we've got nothing to feel sorry for

summer summer summer.

it's finally here, and i have the tan to prove it.

and everything looks better, i reckon it was the french weather (:

quite honestly, i think i have moaned enough this year. i'm sick of it. it's boring and time wasting. it doesnt help matters, if anything it makes you dwell on it and elongates the negative feelings that you're trying to bottle up. and i dont want to anymore. it's time to move on and put every single bad thing that's happened behind me and forget it. then the rest of this year can be better than ever. i have a feeling summer'10 is going to be the best yet. i have the most amazing friends who never ever fail to make me smile. i'll admit, there are those who i have little contact with now, which is a shame but if the wanted to stick around- they would. but life is good. and okay, so sometimes it doesn't always seem like it, but there are moments that are golden in life, and they're the ones to cherish. so what that sometimes it's been shit? wouldnt you rather have the shit times with the golden times rather than a mediocre life? it'll all work out eventually. and we'll all be happy again. and it'll be golden (:

oh and darling- i dont like you. i would be lying if i said i ever liked you. and yes, you were a dick. but it's not me who did it, it was you, so stop with the pathetic looks and grow the fuck up. if anything, that should be me that can act like that, but im not quite that petty. and really if it's as solid as you make out - what are you afraid i'll do? because right now, you acting like that is just pissing me off. so shut up and get out. please and thankyou (:

I'm not gonna get hooked up, just cos you say i should

I know you're not worth it.

I just wish you were.

But, I'm going to cheer the fuck up- cos I'm no fun when i'm quiet.

Just bare with me, I'm trying (:

i remember years ago someone told me i should take caution when it comes to love, i did

I want to scream.
I want to yell.
I want to cry.
I want to be upset.
I want to be immature.
I want to laugh uncontrollably.
I want to be drunk.
I want to be happy.

and I thought that maybe I was, for a quick second there. It was so unlike me, to let my guard down like that, and now I remember why I don't. I hate feeling that vulnerable. I hate feeling that angry and upset. I can't deal with crying for hours and emotions. That just isnt me. But I'm not sure how much of it was to do with the act itself. The question "again, seriously?? what the fuck is wrong with me?!" obviously but also that it was you this time. After everything you've said before. They're the things i remember now, the way you have been there consistantly over the last year, and the time when i want to speak to you the most, i can't. And that's what's upsetting me. Not what couldve been, but what i've lost. There's just some things you can't un-say. and even though they are some of the nicest most amazing things anyone had ever said to me. I wish i couldn't remember them now. cos it makes it harder. and i miss you.

i would just like to thank those who are just so fucking amazing. and i dont know what i'd do without them. i love you.

Sof sof, IE, Broughts, MM and Safabelle.
(they are clearly nicknames to be jealous of )

and Aron Ward- you're an absolute bloody star, and i never expected it, but i am so glad you want "to beat the fucker up" ;)

For the first time in my life...

I actually wanted to be proved wrong.

I hate being proved wrong.

Okay okay, so I am wrong a lot of the time but i'll deny it until it can be proven (even with something as trivial as whether adults need to carry around paper driving licenses!). But, with this, I actually wanted you to prove me wrong. Because I wanted to be wrong. I wanted to have the wrong outlook; so I could see how others see it and actually believe it myself. But I don't think you have. I think you've firmly kept my view as the "right" one in my mind. And I wish you had changed it. Maybe that was just too much for one person.

Isn't it funny, how when you're sad- the only things you can think of are the shit times? When you think about it, really think about it, the good times far outweigh the bad, normally by like 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000:1 and yet, we never think of these. Why is that? Do we have a fundamental desire to be unhappy? I don't believe that. I believe we all have this idea of perfection which is potentially unattainable. But if you think about how much you do have- and how much of that is amazing. For example; I have the most amazing friends that I wouldn't change for anything- some of which are relatively new and rapidly becoming the favourites and others which are and have been a welcome and thoroughly loved constant in my life, I have a fantastic family who are always there and are always on my side, even though we don't always get along, and an ipod which never fails to improve my mood (:

Stop being a moody cow- and smile Becky (:

Why do we let other people have such a large control over our feelings?
They're mine- I'd like them back.
But then again...

Take my heart, but please don't break it...

I don't like talking about my emotions. It makes you vulnerable, and open to being hurt and I don't want that anymore. Saying your feelings makes them real and unescapable. When they're still in your head, you can try to ignore them or pretend they don't exist.

But..
somehow i've fallen for you. hook, line and sinker. and there's nothing I can do about it. and i'm scared. it has turned me into someone I never wanted to be. continually checking my phone incase you've texted and every little thing is escalated. and I don't know what to do .


"I don't like to be alone in the night,
And I don't like to hear I'm wrong when I'm right,
And I don't like to have the rain on my shoes,
But I do love you"

I think it's just been one of those days

You know the types... where nothing seems to have gone amazingly and every little thing is magnified and made worse. It's on these days that I'm shocked that it has been a year since we ended school and the amount of people I still talk to- I could count on one hand, it's laughable to think that I spent 5 years of my life with these people and I never talk to them. Some have been greatly missed- those who seeing every day was taken for granted. And there are the few that are beautiful inside and out.

But it's also on these days, that I realise how this year has been ALOT better, and how there are three or four people who have become my rocks. They have been there when I complain and am down right grumpy, and they don't complain. They are there for the laughs and have made me laugh even when I don't want to. And if i have made them happy even half as happy as they have made me then I am happy. They have made college bearable- and I wouldn't change a thing. What astonishes me the most is I haven't even known them for a year yet, but I can tell they are here to stay. They have no choice now (:

Lucy Broughton
Sofi Sadler
Lucie Chilton
Emily Mcleod

I hope that you are never anything less than happy, cos you bloody well deserve it <3

There's gotta be more to life...

With a recent challenge, to say the least, having been undertaken the last thing I had expected was to start questioning my own life and the way I think of things. The way this little girl looks on life is totally inspiring, maybe it's just the simplicity and childlike outlook on life that makes it true. Maybe the experience of life, work...etc takes all the beauty out of the world. Maybe all we need is to reconnect with what's important. I have to admit, when a family member said, "the point in life is to earn enough money" I was shocked. But I had to think, a few weeks ago... would I have had the same view? Is this what has been drummed into us by the various education establishments ?! Or can we have the view that "The whole point of living- the whole point of being alive- Is to find the sparks in eachother- And become like a lightbulb" ? Roughly translated as making everyone else happy and to love is the most important thing (i think).

But I like it, and maybe having such a simplistic view on life and how to live it will help me and you, with the future and how to approach it.

Just a thought (:

Sometimes I still need you...

Have you ever had someone, a friend or family member, who you look upto with such respect that you end up idolising them and placing them on a pedastal?

The problem with this is no one could even begin to live up to expectations and it's not their fault. So when you realise what they're like or what they have become- you're disappointed. Maybe it's time to move on, and take them down from this elevated level and see them for who they really are.

It may end up being better for the both of you.

I know I've got a long way to go but I'm only just getting started...

"A teacher asked a class to write on a piece of paper what they wanted to be when they were older. One girl wrote "When I'm older I want to be happy" The teacher said the girl misunderstood the task. But maybe it was the teacher who didn't understand"

I don't know what I want to be when I'm older.
But now, with everyone going on about it all the time- Is it time to start thinking more seriously ? Truthfully, the concept of the future terrifies me. The thought of being stuck in a dead end job that doesnt interest me is equally terrifying. With this in mind you'd think I could get my act together and actually decide- but no. Is it too much to ask to be happy and do something engaging? Isn't half the fun meant to be finding it out ? With all this talk of decisions, universities and careers- my head is spinning. When others around me know exactly what they want to do and how they are going to achieve this, the word circulating my head is FUCK.

I know what I want: I want to act, but I'm not naive enough to think this'll happen.
So for now, I'll stick with the desire to be happy. And you never know, I might end up doing something I love, I've never been one for planning (:

Hi My Name Is Becky (:

So, I became inspired by two of my best friends

I think it's time for a fresh start.
To put behind me old memories, nicknames and habits to show people who I really am (:

For the moment, I'm pretty happy.
And maybe, just maybe, that's all that counts